In a groundbreaking study, Gartner has linked use of Open Source software to body odor. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer commented, "DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS!!!!! GAAHAHGHAHGAGHAG!!! Don't you guys smell it? Peeeeewww! That Open Source stuff smells bad! Why? It's a virus! And when you're infected, then you stink! And hot girls won't like you! I'm proof! I've been using Open Source software for a few weeks now... uh... not because it's better or anything, but, uh... so I'll know the enemy! DEVELOPERS!!! BLBLBALAAAALBLBALBLB!!!"
Gartner's study links different OSS packages to different odors. Linux causes underarm odor "the likes of which the world has never known". BSD will infect your crotch with odor-causing bacteria. OpenOffice will give you bad breath.
Bill Gates had this to say, "We can't allow dron... I mean consumers to be infected by this virus! It will deprive them of their right to pay up for software, and that, friends, is a terrible thought. A world without business? A world in which people just live together, helping because it helps everyone... for the good of all mankind? I call that communism, friends. Communism. And my good friend Senator Hollings is going to start a movement to expose commies in our society. I pray we're not to late to save capitalism, for without it, there won't be really rich, greedy guys to keep all the money away from the public!"
