The Windows XP "Expert" Zone

[orcpeon]

Check out what the genius windows "experts" are up to!  "In depth" articles written by people who look like this:



And this:



Look at the "tip of the day!"

Use Your Keyboard if Your Mouse Goes Dead

Submitted by D. Shin of Durham, North Carolina

If your mouse is not functioning, don't panic. You can use your keyboard to move around the Windows XP desktop. The keys to get used to are the Windows key, the arrow keys, and the Enter key.

For example, if you want to shut down the computer so that you can troubleshoot your mouse:

   1. Press the Windows key
   2. Press the up arrow key one time to highlight Shut Down, and then press Enter.
   3. Press the up and down arrow key to select Shut Down from the menu, and then press Enter.
   4. Use your Esc key to cancel.

If this counts as material for Windows XPerts then I'd fucking hate to see what the newbies are like!

[ September 23, 2002: Message edited by: Orc Peon ]

[rtgwbmsr]

Ummm...why don't they just press the friggin power button. That's what it's there for.

I know people who are far worse than that. For example (Between me and a Winblows user who we shall call "Will"):
I say "I attached (it) in the e-mail."
Will says "I can't find it"
I reply "There should be something that says 'Open Attachments'. What mail client are you using"
Will then says "What's and attachment? What's a client? Why couldn't you just send it normally?! What's wrong with you? Why are you trying to confuse me?"
I say ---phone clunks---

See?  

[voidmain]

What's a keyboard? Is it that thing that collects all my cookie and potato chip crumbs?

[orcpeon]

I love the "don't panic" part.  I can imagine some Windows XPert sitting there on his computer scrolling through www.beastsex.com when suddenly the mouse stops working.  "Oh my God!! My mouse!!  What's happening to me!?!? Arrrrrgh!  The keyboard is too hard to use with all its scary buttons!  And we haven't covered keyboard usage in our MSCE program yet!"

[lazygamer]

Those wind0ze keys piss the fuck out of me, keys designed to be used with windows alone? Why not all OS's? Why can't my game detect them as usable? Why do they get in the way of my strafe keys? Why do they piss me off by switching me out of my game when I miss the strafe key? Luckily I use a keyboard that is fucking ancient, 6+ years old. I think the shitty windows button keyboard is on my mom's computer, let teh 1337 d00d have the "real" keyboard.(and prevent half-life from switching out) Maybe it's possible to disable those keys in configuration? No matter, that issue is not worried about today.

Damn, this keyboard is from an ancient 486/50 IBM Aptiva, look at all the grime on it. Still, the keys word great! Hmmm....

HINT:Have a table behind you to store munchies and drinks on. You get plenty of torso twisting exercise(important for nerds), and you have a 99.9% chance of avoiding coke on the keyboard. I always get after my fucking brother when he uses the space on my computer desk to store his pop.

[voidmain]

I have a solution for those "Win" keys. Rip them fuckers off and pour epoxy down the holes.

[lazygamer]

quote:I have a solution for those "Win" keys. Rip them fuckers off and pour epoxy down the holes.

ROFL! NOW that's good advice!

[SpeeDFreaK]

I used to have a great keyboard for gaming. It was about 8+ years old, thin keys, made a soft click whenever they were pressed, no windows key ro any other proprietary crap. It was a simple keyboard that rocked. I had it until my did gave it away to a friend with a 200mHz tower (This f###er was huge!). Now i'm rolling with a MS natural keyboard that is weird as hell for gaming.  

[voidmain]

I have a solution for those "natural" keyboards too. Sledge Fucking Hammer!

[lazygamer]

Besides the MS factor, woulden't the natural keyboard be better once you got used to it?

[voidmain]

Why get used to something I don't need to? It's all mind control.  And on normal keyboards I rip them little fucking feet off the back that everyone uses to piss me off by putting them down.

If you can type, a good flat keyboard is the way to go, and no tilt-up, that's what kills your wrists. I can type like 500 words a minute on a flat keyboard.  I get about 2 words a minute on those funky M$ pieces o crap. And I've been typing at least 8 hours a day for the last 15+ years and have no problems with anything getting tired or sore (except for my ass).

[Bazoukas]

I agree,,,tilting the keyboard just fucks you up.  The swetest keyboard i ever seen is that small funky black IBM keyboard....that thing is so cool.

[Calum]

quote:Orc Peon:
I love the "don't panic" part. I can imagine some Windows XPert sitting there on his computer scrolling through www.beastsex.com when suddenly the mouse stops working. "Oh my God!! My mouse!! What's happening to me!?!? Arrrrrgh! The keyboard is too hard to use with all its scary buttons! And we haven't covered keyboard usage in our MSCE program yet!"

40 points! sadly this is exactly the sort of thing you see over at the Windows BS (i am starting to think they are the exact opposite of forum.fuckmicrosoft.com, like two sides of a coin. The windows BS brings balance to the force...)
i am currently using an IBM T22 to post this, no windows key! hooray!

his instructions for how to shut windows down using the keyboard is wrong anyway (or at least it might work on windows xp but it is not optimal), the following way works in all 9x & NT versions to my knowledge and does not require you to look at the screen to make sure the right options are being selected:

<win-key> <U> <S> <S> <enter>

and the reason you can't just press the power key is that windows needs a few minutes to sort out the mess it has made of your RAM before it finally gives up the ghost.

also, you can set those useless keys to execute commands and so on, i found a little program called xhkeys that supposedly does this although i have still not got it working for some reason...

[edit - these windows xp users are cropping up all over the place. how disappointing.]

[ September 24, 2002: Message edited by: Calum ]