Author Topic: funny man pages  (Read 447 times)

beltorak0

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funny man pages
« on: 15 February 2003, 04:58 »
does anyone have these?
funny man pages
Their 'sex' entry is a weaker (but more fully featured) than this pulled off the net:
man sex
 
quote:


 man(s)              Human interaction methods           man(s)
 NAME
       sex - start intimate interaction between humans
 SYNOPSIS
       sex [--type oral|anal|vaginal|penial|manual]
           [--pref hetero|gay|lesbian]
           [--mode single|couple|triple|multiple]
           [--lowdness (num)] [--locality (string) [file]]
           [--position] [--gender (num)|(string)]
 DESCRIPTION
       This documentation is no longer being maintained  and  may
       be inaccurate or incomplete.  Peep tv programme is now the
       authoritative source.

       This manual page documents the GNU version of sex.  sex is
       always  run  as  foreground process  and can not be forked.
 OPTIONS
       --type
             All or at least one of this options can be given. If
             mode  'single'  is given,  the value of type will be
             overridden. Then it defaults to 'manual'.

       --pref
             The pref option tells  'sex' which methods it should
             supply.  Note that  not all  interfaces for type are
             available with every option for pref.  Look  at sec-
             tion 'COMPATIBLITY' for details.

       --mode
             Tells sex if there are  one, two, three or even more
             clients involved. If mode single is given 'type' de-
             faults to manual.

       --lowdness
             This option wants a three digit number. The first of
             those is the initial value,  the  second  gives  the
             medium  or max value,  the  last one gives the final
             value. Default is 270.

       --locality (string)
             A system specific value.  string can be any predefi-
             ned value  from one of the  configuration  files  in
             /etc/living/.
             Normally /etc/living/conf.flat should exist on every
             system, as well as /etc/living/conf.holiday.

             If 'file' is given, an alternative configuration can
             be used.

        --postition (string)
             Default is 'missionary', but also any other configu-
             ration file can be used.  Not that  /etc/fitness  is
             checked before invoking sex.

        --gender (num)|(string)
             With this option the gender of the invoked clients is
             defined.  This can  either be by a number  treated as
             binary value,  1 meaning female, 2 meaning male.  sex
             although expects the value as decimal.  Or the  value
             can be given as varying length string,  consisting of
             of 'f' or 'm' letters.

             If there are more letters or binary digits given than
             clients defined with mode,  the superflouos ones will
             be ignored.   If  there  are more clients than gender
             identifiers the last identifier is  taken for all re-
             mainding clients.

        sex operates gender dependent. Although in the past there
        have been attempts  to build a gender indepent version of
        sex, those haven't yet been successful.

        sex uses complex threading, but you may get timeouts call-
        ing it in a too complex environment. Usually you can rely
        on the built-in recover method, although this one will not
        work when sex is called together with 'drugs'.
 FILES
        /etc/conf.sexuals
        /usr/sbin/in.emotiond
        /usr/bin/sex
 SEE ALSO
        emotion(1), attraction(1), conf.flat(5)
 STANDARDS
        RFC-1097 TELNET SUBLIMINAL-MESSAGE
        RFC-1437 MIME Content-Types for a New Medium
 BUGS
        There have been a lot of 'em reported. Yet noone knows how
        to get rid of them.

 Human 1.0                     September 10, 1999                       22


from Attrition.Org
 
quote:
Like many times before, Microsoft is re-inventing the wheel and opting for something other than round.

-t.


Master of Reality

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funny man pages
« Reply #1 on: 15 February 2003, 05:08 »
a newer sex manpage:
 
quote:

NAME
       sex -- have sex

SYNOPSIS
       sex [options] ...  [username] ...

DESCRIPTION
       sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
       fied in the command line.  If no users are specified, they
       are  taken  from the LOVERS environment variable.  Options
       to make things more interesting are as follows:

       -1     masturbate

       -a     external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option

       -b     buggery

       -B animal
              bestiality with animal

       -c     chocolate sauce option

       -C     chaining option (cuffs included) (see  also  -m  -s
              -W)

       -d file
              get a date with the features described in file

       -e     exhibitionism  (image  sent  to all machines on the
              net)

       -f     foreplay option

       -F     nasal sex with plants

       -i     coitus interruptus (messy!)

       -j     jacuzzi option (California sites only)

       -l     leather option

       -m     masochism (see -s)

       -M     triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option

       -n     necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
              kills it)

       -o     oral option

       -O     parallel access (orgy)

       -p     debug option (proposition only)

       -P     pedophilia (must specify a child process)

       -q     quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)

       -s     sadism (target must set -m)

       -S     sundae option

       -v     voyeurism (surveys the entire net)

       -w     whipped cream option
     
       -W     whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

ENVIRONMENT
       LOVERS is a list of default partners which will be used if
              none are specified in the command line.  If any are
              specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

FILES
       /usr/lib/sex/animals
              animals for bestiality

       /usr/lib/sex/blackbook
              possible dates

       /usr/lib/sex/sundaes
              sundae recipes

       /usr/lib/sex/s&m
              sado-masochistic equipment

BUGS
       ^C     (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.

       ^Z     (stop process) is usually quite messy.

HISTORY
       Oldest program ever.


[ February 14, 2003: Message edited by: The Master of Reality / Bob ]

Disorder | Rating
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Schizoid: Moderate
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'It takes more than a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head to stop Bob'

beltorak0

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funny man pages
« Reply #2 on: 17 February 2003, 00:36 »
I like the older one better because of the descriptions tho.  Maybe we should mash the two together (pun intended)?
from Attrition.Org
 
quote:
Like many times before, Microsoft is re-inventing the wheel and opting for something other than round.

-t.


Calum

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funny man pages
« Reply #3 on: 17 February 2003, 01:39 »
from http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/ielinux.html

 
quote:
IE(1)                                                   IE(1)

NAME
        ie - Microsoft Internet Explorer

SYNOPSIS
        ie [ -acfghkp ] [ -m alternate-passwd-file ] [ -length of time ]

DESCRIPTION
        Ie is the web browser. The only web browser. Netscape is
        irrelevant. Opera is irrelevant. Ie is your master. Kneel.

        There are two ways to use ie: non-executed binary and
        insecure mode. The non-executed binary is the mode ie
        ships in. There are no flags or directions for use in this
        mode.

        Options are:

        -a

        -c      Clear filesystem. Ie will delete all files for which
                it has write permission on all mounted filesystems.
                After the first pass, Ie will begin attempts at obtaining
                root access so that the remaining files can be removed.

        -f      Same as -c, except that ie will immediately begin
                attempting root access, and will newfs all mounted
                filesystems.

        -h      Hack. Lets you link to other systems running ie and
                obtain their passwd files.

        -k      Randomly coredump. If you specify a valid mailbox name
                in parens, ie will mail the coredump to them.

        -p      Post /etc/passwd to alt.2600.

        -m [alternate]  Gives you the opportunity to specify an alternate
                        passwd file to post.

        -length How long should ie run crack on the passwd file before
                attempting to post?

AUTHOR
        The usual gang of idiots.

BUGS
        See printed ie documentation: "Problems with IE", volumes
        1-14, availible in hardcover from Microsoft Press.

        The -g option is not implemented.

FILES
        /etc/passwd             System password file.
        /usr/local/bin/crack    crack binary.
        /usr/local/bin/ie       IE binary.

DIAGNOSTICS
        If ie crashes, simply reboot system to restore stability.

BUG REPORTS TO
        /dev/null

COPYRIGHTS
        Microsoft Corporation. Don't even THINK about crossing us.
        (This disclaimer does not apply to Ms. Janet Reno).

Sadly this one isn't included.
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