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toasters

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caveman_piet:
If SAP made toasters ....
------------------------
The manual to run the toaster would be approximately 10,000 pages long.
The toaster would come with 2,500 switches which would all have to be
set in an exact pattern and in a precise sequence in order to toast
specific kinds of bread. Each pattern would be established by SAP's
experts as the
"Best Practices" method of toasting that kind of bread.   It would take
a
team of basis and functional contractors about 1 year to configure the
toaster in the best manner and then another 6 months to test it. In the
meantime, your  entire family   would need to attend extensive training
classes on how to use the new toaster. In order to support end users and
consultants,
MIT would establish a list-serv for people to post questions and answers
regarding toaster set-up and operation. Of course, the online help would
randomly pop up in German. But once it was running, you'd get the best
toast
in the world!
If IBM made toasters ...
------------------------
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for
five,
maybe six toasters
If Xerox made toasters ...
--------------------------
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would
get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Oracle made toasters ...
---------------------------
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles
of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was
still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and
that
indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...
------------------------------------
They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters ...
-------------------------
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of
bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters ...
----------------------------------------------
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to
pay for
it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take
up
95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster
that
lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters ...
--------------------------
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Linux made toasters...
-------------------------
Anyone could build his own toaster from the spare parts in the
garage, but people would still pay money for pre-built toasters. All the
parts
would be user serviceable, and the design plans would be freely
downloadable. Instead of the complexity of having to push a button,
you would simply type something like
"toast-lightnessUrk-bread-type=brown".
The toaster would burn your toast by default, but once you enable
the don't-burn-my-toast" feature in "toaster.conf" (as described in the
TOASTER-RTFM-HOWTO) it would toast reliably for years. People who eat
Linux
toast say that it is better than Windows toast.
... And Microsoft would tell everyone that Linux Toast causes cancer...

KernelPanic:
Interesting although entirely pointless...  

choasforages:
almost as funny as the unix beer in fortune


Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

VMS Air Lines:
The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians
check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at
least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet
can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers
than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to
operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless
you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble
aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot
takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to
realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.


OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you
open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz.
to 64 oz.  Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even
though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have
to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been
drinking Unix Beer for several years.
   BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste.  The official
brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it.
   Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active
GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body.  The GNU brewery is
mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can,
which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented.
   Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his
basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious
brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe.
   POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the
newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager.
   Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout.
Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout.
   Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was
discontinued in favor of a lager.
   SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of
stout or the sweetness of ale.

Master of Reality:
me want beer

sporkme:
where can i download some linux beer isos and burn myself 24 copies?

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