Introduction:
Microsuck, and the people I have known the longest and that still don't mind me after enduring years of inconsiderate riducule and paranoia: Calum, Refalm, Laukev7, Psyjax, Doogee, The Quirk, not to sound corny but sometimes, you guys are like brothers to me,
First I would like to point out that I am happy these days, happier then I have ever really been. I am pointing this out because I don't want to alarm anyone, or anything. However in this message what I am pointing out will probably be subjected to ridcule on my judgment and ability to be a moderator from other members. However I respect even more then just the guys mentioned in the title of my little memo I am writing, I respect a lot of the people here.
If you would like to skip the trip report, on the stupidest thing I have ever done and just get to the point, please just scroll down to read the bottom two paragraphsTrip report:
I am high right now, and I said I would never do that again. So why was I lying you must wonder? Well basically on wednesday I see the psychatrist and I will be getting on medication for my problems which (and in no offical/professional opinion minus the latter) resemble Schizophrenia and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was looking for some pain killers until I see to doctor tommorow about something else (please be queit Dan and Refalm), and I found a jar of reasonably harmless stimulants, dexamphenamines. Well they would normally be harmless, only the jar had 73 of them.
No I did not take them all, at 5mg each I thought I would handle more then I could. So at 2000hours/8:00pm EST (Au) I decided to take 12 of them and it was not bad at all, I was quite cool, energetic and chatty. 2 hours after that, at 2200/10pm or there abouts I felt a little funny, fair enough and it was expected, I started to feel a little withdrawn, like my brain was unplugging itself. So I got the little tinfoil packets I wrapped the pills into after the find, and got them out, there were 20 pills to a packet, I have 40 more wrapped in 2 sepreate tinfoil packs. Wrapping things like that when I find them is just a little habit of mine from some business I got into last year. I was feeling pretty good, and looking forward to feeling even better... (greed really does ruin it, I tell ya, read on)
Anyway, I was going to just have 10, but the idea of 20 really tickled my fancy (stupid, stupid, fucking stupid). I did not want to tackle pondering 20 vs 10 myself as it could lead to me being responsible, so I sent out a message to five of my close friends (offsite) titled "Dubya or Hitler", Dubya ment 10, Hitler ment 20. It seemed to my suprise that most of my friends picked hitler.(20:52:09)
Kintaro: Dubya or Hitler?
(20:52:16) Kintaro: Its pretty mad
(20:52:19) Bek R: hitler
(20:52:23) Bek R: he has nicer eyes
(20:52:54) Kintaro: haha fair enough
(20:53:41) Kintaro: Vote decided: The outcome has been Hitler from 4/5, Hitler loved meth, so I am taking 20 more of these instead of 10.
As we can see most people would prefer Hitler or Dubya at the moment. I mean Hitler barely even passed high school but could still speak a more readable sentance, well readable to a person fluent in german and english, to make the comparison fair. Nonetheless I took the tablets and they made my funny feeling go away for a while, boy did they hit me, but it was fine... then. I was talking away with friends in the seemingly open impuslive enviroment the drug had given me, there was a guy in the chat who liked me, a girl I was in love with and we were having a merry old time. I was confident I was going to be fine, I felt a little strange as expected.
My scizophrenic/psychosis symtoms are pretty big these days, and no I do not do drugs by habit at all anymore. I am thinking it could be related to withdrawl from smoking a lot of Cannabis last year and january, and the sudden stop. I was also toying with other drugs such as cocian in January, I had also before until my now ex-girlfriend had caught me and cracked, when I caught her cheating on me, a friend of mine shouted me a line for sympathy, and a way to exersize newfound freedom. Anyway nowdays, enjoying life, I dont usually get high anymore, as in tonight was the first time ever. My scizophrenic symtoms are varying and I guess I have had a few my whole life. It started about a month ago, with the voices. I had not had anything like it since I gave up eating junkfood and stuff in either november or december 2004. Giving up junkfood and soft drinks, the ones containing artifical colors and stuff in heavy amonts really helped. The voices didn't occur after that, I would have an episode every 2 weeks or so. However recently, after the voices came back again, voices that say nothing but my name, I hear people just shouting my name, calling me, some angry, some wispering as if it was all a dream and they are trying to wake me. However my eyes during all this, are open. It used to just happen in bed, and it freaks me out when it does happen, which leads to lack of sleep. However once the episode passes I am really clear in the mind. After most night episodes I would just meditate, anyway, gradually as it has got even worse, now I dont get episodes, havn't had one all week. Now its really fucked because I hallcinate and see strange objects and stuff in the outside world, my Dad (who is my best friend, with more integrity then anyone I know) is pretty supportive and doesnt get to creeped out when I ask him what is real or not. However on this high, for the first time in a few days since it has been this bad the silly noises, the objects and shadows on walls and stuff had gone (there has been this nonexistant shadow on my wall, of just a box, that when I look it it from time to time, it is there or it is not, and that change can occur once every five minutes. Sometimes I see a weird star like object, a glimmering sphere just fly through the air, these are more obvious. I have not had voices, but I am getting noises from the outside world. I think the voices, with what they are saying, is a product of stress, the psycholigest at school agreed with this, and so did the psychatrist. I am still happy, but with my family situation I have been very stressed about some things. I think that has more to do with it.
Back to the high, about an hour, or half hour after taking the extra 20 or 21 tablets, I started to get extremly hot. My body temperature had rose earlier after the 12, but I just took my shirt off and was quite confortable. I started to get massive pains in my head, agony in my mind, I felt like I was on fire. I was thinking that I was going to die, or something. I spoke to my closest friend Dan (Doogee, been a member here for a while, this place is how I know him, thanks MES). He knew some things to do to cool my body down, which was take some paraceatamol and have water. I was already drinking heaps of water, as I am experienced with anphenamine like substances already. That was the stupid fact, that its been more then a year since I have done anything like them now. I really should have considered, that yes I could take 60 in one go back then... when I had a tolerance. I still had problems, my heart was racing and getting faster and faster, I was scared if it went on much longer that I would have a heart attack. I was considering calling an ambulence, however Dans advice later stopped it. Nonetheless I noticed it was all a heat problem when I rose from my seat to raid the house for paracetamol (I dont take many medications either these days. I barely take painkillers, in fact I doubt I have had one for 6 months, the last painkiller I took was last night for the first time in ages - well 2 rather strong ones, but if I had the balls to talk about where the pain was you wouldn't blame me, okay, I have a nutsack infection, you win). I took the paracetamol (mind my really fucked spelling, you do a better job on this stuff), and walked around because the air against my sweat really helped, I drank more water and ate some chips for the salt. For those who don't know, substances like this, or even your own substances like adrenaline, bring your digestive system to a halt. My heart slowed as well after taking the Numol paracetamol tablets. It still took a while to slow, really.
After another half an hour I had cooled down, and this is when another bad situation started, I was still sweating pretty bad, but not so hot and my heart rate had calmed. I actually worked out if I concentrate to make my breathing a lot slower then it was, my heart rate would slow with it a little. When I sat down in my chair I would feel enormus pressure on my neck, and pains in my head. However when I walked around this pain would go away very quick. I theorised that this could be to do with the use of more blood pressure to power my rahter exersized, nicely built from lots of bike riding legs. This was relieving and before I knew it I could not stop walking (now I am fine but for some stupid reason, before I notice what I am doing I get up out of my chair and take short walks and sit back down). The short walks would cool me so I could sit for a bit, meanwhile talking to some girl about philosophy, Dan about my condition, and my friend Stef (who is just the most beautiful girl ever) who I had told that I was going to be fine. She said "HOLY FUCK!" in the forum of an instant messege when she found out I had taken 31 tablets. I really thought they were going to be harmless, why I was 16 last time I took them, im bigger now - so I figured I could handle more. After this experience with if not near death, or some kind of permanent damage to my body, I have learned that drugs really are just fucked. It is funny, because when I used to take this stuff, when it came to the question of self harm, I really didn't give a rats arse anyway. Its not that I hated myself, but when I did shit like this last time it made me curious enough to try meth. This stuff isn't really addictive, its just speed for kiddies, that name suits it best because on this I have acted like a fucking child.
After this episode something much more serious happened to me, it worried me more then anything. I can tell you now, that having been a user of anphenamine's, even pissy ones like this, that water is your lifeline. You can get hot, sweat, and just be a genreal hyperactive nutter, and your body looses loads of water, even if your doing nothing, I dont know much about biology but I figure stuff like speed, and dexies, make your body burn more.
(I cannot remeber anything about how the body uses water, we studied it in Year 10 science, I did quite well the first half of the year, and then I got done for hacking later in year, got into meth, and stopped going when I found crime could keep a habit happy. I did year 10 again last year at a school for kids with no other place to go, of course I could have went to a normal school, one of the reasons I stopped going to school in late year 10 was bullying, being bullied all the time. I might have wrote on MES back then when I was posting here that I was fine, that I was top shit, or who knows what, it was all bullshit if I said anything like that, saddly I never said much and by the end of the year I would just find myself crying all the time... longer story how I went from yr7-8's arsehole at my old school, to being a silent chap in yr9-10... another time).
Nonetheless, my stomach area, my whole damn digestive system was feeling really tight, and I felt a need to vomit. Vomiting seemed like it would help me get better, I wasnt to bad, still a little hot and stuff. However my stomach was killing me now when I wasn't moving, I starting tapping both my legs like a crazy drummer from a metal band with doublekicks. This helped a little bit, the urge to vomit kept overcoming me and I walked to the toilet. Everytime I was to lean over the bowl it would stop. This happened a few times and I kept going from chatting on my lappy to the toilet. Eventually I brought a glass with me and had some water from the tap and sink in there. I had some water because I felt like I needed some hydration. After skulling the glass of water, soon enough I was over the toilet, this time keeping my torso reasonably straight to not intefere with it like before, I vomited. Even after I felt like I needed to vomit more - I got a bowl and carried that with me. I would walk around the house because of the stomach pain when I sit, with a bowl in my hand. Eventually I threw up again, and after this I felt pretty good. I got more water and sat down, and I was more then a little exausted and needing a little hydration. However I was not on the death level or anything close, when I drank the water I immediatly vommited it up. This happened a few more times, where I went to Dan saying the problem. In all my drug fueled rationality, Dan's solution to the problem was to sip the water not skull it down like Popeye and his Spinnage (not quite in those words). Nonetheless, this worked, and from there I got better. I have even eaten a little food.
Now, what does this have to do with anything. Well this contains some example as to the stupid things I do, when I am thinking reasonably cleary: referring to the decision to take the drugs under the direct belief that I would be perfectly fine. I am alright now, however it deserves a little more recognition as
Stupidest Thing John Tate Has Done EverYep, and out of all the stupid shit I have done I am well aware that is a good story.
Now I also have a "Personality Disorder" that I mentioned. Borderline Personality Disorder is pretty complex. And when I first was noticed by my general practitioner that I am at risk of it. There was massive a coincidence, because that same day a friend of mine at school Sarah had came in kinda upset, and I asked her what was wrong and she said she had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Me and her have always had this connection, I can trust her like a good friend and I dont think that will change because we don't love or hate eachother. Nonetheless we have a lot in common, we got along well, I remember after I first met her I was telling other friends of mine "I just met the most beautiful girl in the world,". Thats one of the things about most with BPD, strong idealisation towards people. I have realised that this has often been the case with me and I have started to deal with it a little. I guess now a little basis for the workings of some of my thoughts has been highlighted I have started to be able to change. This has been a good start, its only been a month, but then I have nothing to do anyway
.
It is actually described in the diagnostic criteria as "Strong Idealisation/Devaluation". And thats the one I hate the most, the devaluation one, I have grown sick of loosing friends. I never realised it like that, it has always been in my poor brain as "people fuck me over", but now I have realised it is just a combination of emotional reasoning and just cognitive error, jumping to retarded conclusions when some people do things. It's never just one thing, well the trigger is, but there is always background behind it. Since I have found all this stuff out about the "Disorder", I have started to take up a few ways to handle it when or after I get paranoid on a friend. I am luckiest here because the friends I have made at my new school, for the first time ever that have been understanding. I must admit a couple of times I have already got a little err paranoid, but like I just explain that yea, I get paranoid, and say im sorry. I used to just get paranoid out of knowhere and devaluate people in my mind. Since I came to terms with that I got a lot better, and since then I have been able to admit I was just jumping to conclusions. This makes it easier to explain to people whats going on and to just say fucking sorry. Forgiveness has been getting me a lot further in life. As I said, despite the crap I am pretty happy nowadays. I think this idealisation-devaluation has some connection to the scitzophrenia stuff, because it seems to happen more often then not, before or after and episode, usually within one hours timegap from the episode. I only noticed this just the other day.
Mood Swings, these have been less occurant, and this short description will lead to my conclusion. I don't want to sound like a complete emo little girl however. Basically, and according with documents related with BPD I get Black moods and White moods. One thing it is characterised as having is "Black and White" thinking, I know I have this with the mood swings and character devaluation, I don't think I have it with all my thought's as much, however I do think I used to. I think that improvment just came with the fact my brother, who is quite close to me has always been honest to tell me if a theory, idea, or whatever of mine, is crap. For a while now, despite rejecting it when I was a kid, I have always enjoyed constructive critism.
The worst thing about the mood swings, however I am not having them as much. At the moment it is like another personality inside of me, and its damn scary. Its not exactly another person inside me, just when I have a negative mood swing for whatever reason (was having them every morning) it has been getting to the point where I just go complete into the negative: and I don't want to scare anyone but I get some pretty bad suisidal thoughts, because I don't get angry at myself anymore and do rash things, which once upon a time included the usual cutting and crap. That scares me a little to think about now, I never talked about it then, ever. Sometimes I would get furiously angry at myself and just do it, I only ever did it with some shitty knife, but if had of god a decicive anger burst, I would have went to far and ended up in hospital. I dont exactly think I can quite kill myself, but I am starting to realise I have a responsbility to change some things about myself. One thing I can say is that I have started being able to stop my negative thinking before it becomes a darkened outburst of negativity. So I still feel reasonably safe, but things seem to be getting worse, god knows why but they do, and I will hang on as long as I can.
Basically, I wrote all this to say that, among my schizophrenic paranoid stuff that has been happening: I am now doing school from home, mostly by my choise. Mainly because it has been getting really confusing with those types of problems and a very big social enviroment. I am not anti-social as such, in fact that changes from time to time, if im in a thoughtful mood I can be quiet and introverted, but then again when im wacked on drugs all tell you my life story, and when im hypo: I can be quite the fucking show off. I have confidence, great confidence in myself these days. Finally I am listening to good ole' psyjax's advice from when I asked him for advice with girls ages, "be confident". I guess its working because at school a couple of decent looking chicks have liked me. So anyway, sorry to alarm you, because looking at this email now it resembles a suiside note in many ways (its irellevance to an anti-ms forum and the lounge), but in fact I am perfectly fine. However I just wanted to let people know I might be going away for a while to a nuthouse. This depends on how effective the medication is, to be honest, I have not been to bad, can't help feeling a little lonly when I am at home most of the time. This I think might be doing me more bad then good, being stuck in my chamber of thoughts, which worries me for how long it will take to get any better.
Consider this an explanation if I leave for a very long time with no further notice. I dont like to label myself as a total lunatic: but I can never be sure, I might do something and get into the nuthouse. Consider this also a good reason if you are also a rampant youth who is interested in drugs: go right ahead, but suffer the conseqences. And consider this a load of crap written by a fellow who took to long doing it, because he could not keep on subject. That is also why some parts of this will read really fucked, I will never bother editing this, unlike most things, I would rather not read it to see what kind of dick I made of myself this time.
PS: Really sorry about doing such a fucking butcher job on the English. Pah! And I call myself a fucking writer.
