I have read bits of the principia discordia, and had interest in it. I write a lot of poetry and in one of my poems, I featured it.
I agree with what you say. In fact I now I think you are very damn cool indeed.
I have suffered mood swings and depression for a long time, personally I think it runs in the family. My mother tried to kill herself about a month ago. Last year when my perants seperated I let that get to me and started smoking pot to forget. I realised pretty quick that wasn't the answer, and only smoked pot occasionally. Pot became a habit because, my mood swings and other events, my natural paranoia I have had about social relationships, made me loose two close friends at school. I started smoking more pot after that, a lot more. It made me feel better, but I would never admit it was stupid. Getting into pot more earned me new friends, that became my replacement family. I ended up working for my mum who runs a wrecking yard and got a steady girlfriend. Well the steady girlfriend got me interested in getting a job. She never asked anything of me, but she also helped me change a lot from doing stupid things like vandalism and crap like that with my other friends (lets face it girls are greater then graffiti). We both smoked pot, we lived apart as well. I think thats why it worked out for a long time (around 6 or 7 months). Danielle was also very understanding of me which helped, and I had problems with mood swings and stuff then as well, a lot of my relationships in the past, girls have just got sick of it and left me, etc. I was never that bad when I was with her, she ended up cheating on me - She wasn't expecting me, I showed up to suprise her, and I got suprised to see her best friends head in between her legs (female friend). I left her because of that. I was still alright after that, I still had the confidence she gave me. I still have a lot of that now.
Smokeing pot last year was alright because I was at a "dropout school". I did alright for the first half of year 10. From year 7 and 8 I was mostly the class clown, and would get in trouble. We moved to the suburbs after that. For year 9 and 10 at the new school I didn't want to get in trouble all the time. I was very very quiet minus about 3 people, I would get anxiety every time I went to say anything, everything I did say was very quiet - but most the time no words would come out at all. Towards the end of the year 10 I got into hacking the schools network (thanks to an insecure Linux setup
, courtsy of Novell Zenworks disk imaging software I might add). I took down the fileserver, so nobody could get to their work. When I did this the teacher let us all play games instead. Also around this time I started to catch up with old friends from year 8 on the weekends, and got into stimulant drugs. I started taking the server out more often, which they could never find out why - and started bragging about it. Someone dobbed me in who knew basically what I was doing (booting into a root bash prompt, setting the IP to that of the file server, and doing a ping -bf to the broadcast address). I got banned from the schools network which ment no IT class, and that was the only class I had interest in. I met up with some very wrong people at school and got involved in organised crime and doing harder drugs (meth). I stopped showing up to school at all for the last few months. I failed every subject because of that - thats how I ended up repeating year 10 part time.
Anyway, back to weed. Because of school this year, I am taking it a lot more serious. When I gave up smoking weed I started feeling a lot better. I used to get angry when I was smoking pot and not stoned, for the longest time I ignored that and justified it. I would get angry at myself or others - after one episode where I attacked my father who I am very close to, I managed to control it better, from the guilt of doing it. This was when I was with Danielle, and even long before then. I used to do stupid things and get angry with myself and punch myself in the head for simple mistakes. When I stopped smoking pot this stopped after meerly a week or so. I felt a bunch better, but then the mood swings I still had.
The mood swings I still had, but the effect changed: they were never angry. I would often wake up in the morning, I could be feeling fine, then I would start crying over nothing. About a month and bit into school I rang my ex girlfriend Danielle. I just wanted to try and be friends with her, but she was angry with me for leaving her still I think, and told me there was never anything between us in the first place. I still loved her and this killed a part of me, maybe it was enhanced by suffering mood swings already, but I cried a lot for a few days. I got over it however. The mood swings I kept having, after crying and getting that out, it wasn't as persistant as it used to be. I would still have them, I then decided to get help with it. As I said, I have been taking school more seriously. I seen my normal GP and he asked me a bunch of questions and put the answers into some nifty computer program, he said from what he was told I could possibly suffer Borderline Personality Disorder. This actually seems a lot like the psychosis I suffer, minus major hallcination type symtoms. He refeered me to a psychiatrist which took a while, and then the appointment was even longer away. I started to research the problem then, which has led to me being a little better because I could deal with the problem by understanding it.
Then not so long after that I started to get the psychosis, voices, and stuff like that. It kept getting worse and really started effecting school. I ended up going to the school about it, and they refered me to another place which has got much quicker action. I have been doing school from home since which has been more of the problem. I have been stressing about my work and stuff as well. However the mood swings before the psychosis where not quite as bad. I would have some suicidal thoughts in them when they were really bad, but that wasn't too often and I never got angry enough to put it to action. However with the psychosis effects it has got more drastic, sometimes I get them even when I feeling rational.
I have been apoligizing to some people I have been mean to late last year and stuff. Even my mother, who I got very angry at for taking the settlement over there seperation to court. I have not talked to her since january. I wrote her a letter to say I am sorry, because it has been stressing me for a couple of weeks or a month or so that she tried to kill herself. However also I went to a forum I used to talk on to say I am sorry to a couple of people I said some harsh shit about, that was on my mind. I went there and while searching old posts I found one I never seen where someone made a harsh comment about my
Sexual Abuse From A Victim essay. I got angry and ranted about that instead, which pissed him and some people off. However then later that evening I finally posted my public apology. She rejected it, and other members (they are all rather immature retards minus a select few) laughed at it. She did not accept it and brought up other things I did from another thing I had apologized for in the past. I can understand her reaction, I could then. However another members post really got me thinking about the thing I did, that and neglected sleep. I cannot remember making the threat she I did, which was very disgusting. However I let that get to me, probably because I had been doing dexies and crap all week just to escape my problems as well. And thats what lead to writing the note, and other things.
However this year I have been much better at school. I have been getting along with people and stuff, which has been good. Because I have been getting along with students, my teachers, and enjoying the work. On top of this I have been acting like myself, so apart from the mood swings and stuff I have been pretty happy.
Anyway, I have had really little sleep, and now I am off to bed to pass out, when I wake I will call my brother and stuff.
